Surgery

Jun 6, 2021

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A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on herbed, and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, “The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can’t wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too.”

“What about the third rose?” asks the patient.

“Oh, that’s from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks… for the new ears.”

It’s Way Too Cold

Jun 6, 2021

0 105

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. “I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.

“After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!”

Last Day

Jun 6, 2021

0 129

One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another.

After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. “What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.

“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy “and now she isn’t talking to me for a whole 31 days.”

The bartender thought about this for a while. “But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender. ” Yeah, except today is the last night.

White Hair

Jun 6, 2021

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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

Excited Gorilla

Jun 6, 2021

0 524

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.

She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless wth straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand.

He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the sheer dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and flirt with the ape.

She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he’s just about to tear the bars down.

The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the thighs… this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, “Now, tell him you have a headache.”

High Urinals

Jun 6, 2021

0 440

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their “wee-wees” to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, “You must be in the fourth grade.”

He replied, “No, ma’am, I’m riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.