The neighbour dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
“What’s wrong Marge?” she asked.
Marge told her that she had “morning sickness.”
Surprised, the neighbour said, “I didn’t even know you were pregnant!”
“I’m not.” the harried young woman replied. “I’m just damn sick of mornings.”
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he said to himself.
He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. “Here,” she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. “I found them in the hallway.”
“Now,” she said, “if only I could find my parakeet.”
A man and his little boy were walking through the park when a honeybee landed near them. The boy ran over and stomped on it. The father gave him a lecture about having respect for living things and added, “Just for that you can’t have any honey for two weeks!”.
Pretty soon a butterfly landed near them. The boy ran over and stomped on it. Again, the father gave him a lecture and added, “Just for that you can’t have any butter for two weeks!”.
When they got home, they went into the kitchen, and a cockroach ran across the floor. The mother ran over and stomped on it. The boy said to his father, “Well do you want to tell her, or shall I?”.
Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.”
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, “If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”
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