My aunt used to tell me there were three kinds of sex in a marriage. There was exciting sex, necessary sex, and hallway sex. “Exciting sex is when you’re first married and you can’t wait to get at each other. Necessary sex is after you’ve been married for seven or eight years and it’s more of a chore than anything else.
Hallway sex is after you’ve been married for thirty or forty years and you pass each other in the hallway and say “Fuck you!”
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…”
“I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late In the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it at all,” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”
“Well, tell me!” the man said. The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”
So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay.”
“Oh my god!,” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the good news?”
“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.”
“If that’s the good news than what’s the great news?!”, Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”
Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
“He’ll be fine,” the doctor promised her. “The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two.”
“How will I be sure?” she pressed.
“Well,” the doctor suggested, “you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know.”
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