Friday, September 21, 2018
Tags Posts tagged with "Eyes"

Eyes

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True Doctor Stories Jokes TImes

–Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that the had died of a “massive internal fart.”

–Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left.” Again, a flawless read.Now both,” I requested . There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

–Dr. Matthew The odropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?” I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

–Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,I asked, “How long have you been bed-ridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.”

–Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So,how’s your breakfast this morning?” It’s very good, except for theKentucky Jelly I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled”KY Jelly.”

–Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
And Finally . . . A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?”She replied, “No doctor, but the song you were whistling was ‘I wishI was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.”

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First Date Jokes Times

It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in.

“Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?,” he says. “That’s cool” says Bobby.

Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie’s father responds “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie’s Dad to repeat it.

“Yeah,” says Carries father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

“DAMMIT DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

Cab Drivers Jokes Times

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

“Mommy,” said the little boy, “what are all those ladies doing?”

“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off of work,” she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers. They have sex with men for money.”

The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true, mommy?” His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?”

“They mostly become cab drivers,” she replied.

Leave Me Alone Jokes Times

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So’s the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married’!”

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No Pets Allowed Jokes Times

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us and pets are not allowed in there.” The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.”

They walked over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk. A guy at the door says, “Sorry sir, no pets allowed.” The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand, this is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pinscher?” The guy with the Doberman Pinshcer says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.” The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua also puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk to the door. The guy at the door says, “Sorry sir, no pets allowed.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand, this is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?” The guy with the Chihuahua replies, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

Dating vs Marriage Jokes Times

When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue
When you are married ….You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband…… at all time

When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and ask “What are you going to drink?”

When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public
When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad
When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot

When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ….You think to yourself….”Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”

When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ….You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”

When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you …for no reason
When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets

When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first

When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy”
When you are married ….When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating….. He knows what the “hamper” is
When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area

When you are dating….. He understands if you “aren’t in the mood”
When you are married ….He says “It’s your job.”

When you are dating….. He understands that you have “male” friends
When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away

When you are dating….. He likes to “discuss” things
When you are married ….He develops a “blank” stare

When you are dating….. He calls you by name
When you are married ….He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.

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