Thursday, May 23, 2019
Doctor Jokes

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Mental Hospital Jokes Times

During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the smart-arsed visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” said the Director, “a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?”

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Doctors Fee Jokes Times

A woman was having a medical problem – her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there are anything he could do to relieve her “suffering”.

The doctor replies, “Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive.”

“How much will that cost?” Asked the woman. “It will cost $1000 downpayment, and payment of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras.”

“My goodness! Sounds like buying a new sports car!” the woman exclaimed. “Humm, too obvious, huh?” The doctor murmured.

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Status Update Jokes Times

A little old lady, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, says, “Hello, darling, I’d like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse.”

“Do you know the patient’s name and room number?”

“Yes, darling! She’s Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.”

“Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she’s going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr.. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”

“Thank God! That’s wonderful! That’s fantastic, darling!… That’s wonderful news!”

“You must be a very close friend!”

“No, I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Dr. Cohen doesn’t tell me shit!”

Nurse Goodtime Jokes Times

Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

“Doctor, you must help me.” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.” “I see.” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”

“For God’s sake, NO !!!” exclaimed the Nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward.”

First Cut is the Deepest Jokes Times

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey, what’re you in for?”

“I’m getting my tonsils out. I’m a little worried,” said Tim.

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Sammy said. “I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!”

“Oh yeah?” replied Tim. “That’s not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What’re you here for?”

“I’m getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.

“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn’t walk for two years!”

Zachary Disease Jokes Times

“Diane, I just don’t understand?! I don’t have a boyfriend or a husband, I can never get a date and guys just don’t seem interested in me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“You know what”, her friend replied, “I know a Chinese doctor that can help you”. So, her friend gave her the doctor’s address and the next day she went to see him.

She tells the doctor what her problem was and he proceeded to give her instructions.
“Take off your crows”, the doctor says.

“What, what did you say?” she replied.

“take off your crows”, the doctor repeated, motioning for her to take off her clothes.

“Ok, now craw to the window”.
“What?”, she asks.

“Craw to the window” he said as he got down on all fours to show her what he meant.

So she crawled to the window.

“Now craw back to me” he says motioning her to come back.

“Ah-ha!”, he says, “I know what your problem is”.

“Well, doctor, what is it?” she says anxiously.

“You have Zachary disease”.

“Zachary disease, what’s that?” she asks.

“Well, your face looks Zachary like your butt”.

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