Tuesday, March 19, 2024
Classic

0 137
Lose Weight Now, Ask Me How Jokes Times

Mr Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 kg.”

When Mr Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 kg. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

Mr Lee nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”

“From hunger?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

The Statue Jokes Times

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said, “stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this, honey?” the husband enquired as he entered the room.

“Oh, its just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. “Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”

Caught by Cuckoo Clock Jokes Times

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with “the boys.” I told the misses that I would be home by midnight … promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy, at around 3 A.M. drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly I realised she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew!

Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said “Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said ‘oh fuck,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted.

Beautiful Parrot New Home Jokes Times

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn’t more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff.

“The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.

She hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.

“The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that’s not so bad.

A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, “New house, new madam, new whores.

“The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!”

Stuttering Jokes TImes

A stuttering man finally decides to go to the doctor to see if his speech impediment can be cured. The doctor thoroughly examines the man and finally asks him to drop his pants.

Out comes this gigantic dick and the doctor pronounces the root of the problem to be strain on the vocal chords from the effects of gravity being transmitted up to the neck area.

The patient then asks, “wh-wh-at c-c-ca-an b-b-e d-d-done ab-b-bout- t-t i-i-t?” to which the doctor replies, “modern surgery can work miracles. We can replace your dick with one of normal size and the stuttering will disappear right after the operation.”

The patient eagerly agrees to the surgery, and as promised his stuttering disappears.

About 3 months later the man returns to the doctor and complains, “doctor, I am grateful to you for having cured me, but my wife really misses a big dick, and rather than lose her I’ve decided to get my old dick back and live with stuttering for the rest of my life.” The doctor then looks straight at the man and replies, “d-d- de-deal’s a d-d-deal.”

Skin Graft Jokes Times

A married couple was in a terrible accident in which the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, just want to thank you for everything you did for me There is no way I could ever repay you,”

“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

YOU MAY LIKE

Cold Cream Jokes Times

0 136
Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said...
The Auction Jokes Times

Little Mouse Jokes Times

Pianists Monkey Jokes Times

New Stewardess Jokes Times

FACEBOOK

4,844FansLike