Thursday, March 21, 2019
Classic

0 119
Mental Hospital Jokes Times

During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the smart-arsed visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” said the Director, “a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?”

Zachary Disease Jokes Times

“Diane, I just don’t understand?! I don’t have a boyfriend or a husband, I can never get a date and guys just don’t seem interested in me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“You know what”, her friend replied, “I know a Chinese doctor that can help you”. So, her friend gave her the doctor’s address and the next day she went to see him.

She tells the doctor what her problem was and he proceeded to give her instructions.
“Take off your crows”, the doctor says.

“What, what did you say?” she replied.

“take off your crows”, the doctor repeated, motioning for her to take off her clothes.

“Ok, now craw to the window”.
“What?”, she asks.

“Craw to the window” he said as he got down on all fours to show her what he meant.

So she crawled to the window.

“Now craw back to me” he says motioning her to come back.

“Ah-ha!”, he says, “I know what your problem is”.

“Well, doctor, what is it?” she says anxiously.

“You have Zachary disease”.

“Zachary disease, what’s that?” she asks.

“Well, your face looks Zachary like your butt”.

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

“I’m not quite sure it’s a duck,” he said, “I think that I will have to get a second opinion.” And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. “I’ll have to do some more investigations,” he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey’s identity.

“Now, I know it’s a duck, but does it know it’s a duck?” The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon’s weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.

“Go see if that was a duck, will you?”

Heart Condition Jokes Times

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman’s doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time.

She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again – the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules.

Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he’d better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs – she’s coming downstairs, he’s heading up.

“Honey, I have a confession to make,” the woman says, her voice quavering. “I was about to commit suicide.” “I’m glad to hear it, sweetie,” the man says, “because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!”

Beers after Work Jokes Times

A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she doesn’t allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem, “When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife’s panties, and give her oral sex.

Women love it, and believe me, she’ll never mention that you were out late with the boys.” So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife’s panties, and gave her oral sex.

She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he’d be right back. He got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet. “How did you get in here?” he asked. “Shhhhh!!!” she replied, “you’ll wake-up my mother!”

Walking the Dog Jokes Times

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.”

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where ‘s Belle?”

The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

YOU MAY LIKE

New Breed of Dogs Jokes Times

0 787
There is this per shop that cross breed different breeds of dogs to get more sales. And they crossed a pit bull with a...
Child Custody Jokes Times

New Member in Family Jokes Times

Terms of Endearment Jokes Times

Senility Jokes Times

FACEBOOK

4,981FansLike