Thursday, May 1, 2025
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Talk

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Dictionary of Dating Jokes Times

ATTRACTION – the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT – what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING – the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL – avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY – a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT – a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND – a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE – a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as “playing hard to get.”

INTERESTING – a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT – what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY – how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER – a condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love

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50 Rules for Men Jokes Times

A Woman’s 50 Rules for Men

For those of you who are guys, pay close attention to the following:

  1. Call.
  2. Don’t lie.
  3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
  4. If guys’ night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
  5. If guys’ night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No petting.
  6. The correct answer to, “Do I look fat?”, is never, ever, “Yes.”
  7. Ditto for “Is she prettier than me?”
  8. Victoria’s Secret is good. Frederick’s of Hollywood is bad.
  9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
  10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
  11. “Honey”, “Darling”, and “Sweetheart” are good. “Nag”, “Lardass”, and “Bitch” are bad.
  12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
  13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
  14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
  15. Her cooking is excellent.
  16. That isn’t an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
  17. Dish soap is your friend.
  18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
  19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
  20. Answering “Who was that on the phone?” with “Nobody” is never going to end that conversation.
  21. Ditto for “Whose lipstick is this?”
  22. Two words: clean socks.
  23. Believe it or not, you’re probably not more attractive when you’re drunk.
  24. Burping is not sexy.
  25. You’re wrong.
  26. You’re sorry.
  27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
  28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
  29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
  30. “Will you marry me?” is good. “Let’s shack up together” is bad.
  31. Don’t assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
  32. Don’t assume PMS doesn’t exist.
  33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
  34. “But, we kiss…” is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don’t clean plaque with your tongue.
  35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 p.m.
  36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
  37. Pick her up at the airport. Don’t whine about it, just do it.
  38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don’t act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
  39. Don’t tell her you love her if you don’t.
  40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
  41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
  42. Think boxers.
  43. Silk boxers.
  44. Remember Valentine’s Day, and any cheesy “anniversary” she so names.
  45. Don’t try to change the way she dresses.
  46. Her haircut is never bad.
  47. Don’t let your friends pick on her.
  48. Call.
  49. Don’t lie.
  50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question.

The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn’t fair either, and it balances everything.

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A Sex Talk Jokes Times

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. “Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?”

“Yes, dear,” replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it to her daughter.

“But then when I have a baby,” the teenager pondered, “won’t it knock all my teeth out?”

I Guess It Works Jokes Times

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don’t you cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.”

“Hmmm,” the younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did.

“I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You’ve probably been doing too much extra work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?

“Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”

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Polish Scientistic Plans Jokes Times

Poland sent its top team of scientists to attend the international science convention, where all the countries of the world gathered to compare their scientific achievements and plans.

The scientists listened to the United States describe how they were another step closer to a cure for cancer, and the Russians were preparing a space ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was inventing a car that runs on water.

Soon, it was the Polish scientists turn to speak. “Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun.” This of course was met with much ridicule. They were asked how they planned to deal with the sun’s extreme heat. “Simple, we’re going at night!”

Last Day Jokes Times

One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another.

After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. “What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.

“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy “and now she isn’t talking to me for a whole 31 days.”

The bartender thought about this for a while. “But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender. ” Yeah, except today is the last night.

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