Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
Incomplete Man
Marriage
Special Dinner
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. “Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to really ticked if it’s not ready on time!” she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. “Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.”
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
“You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?”
The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself.”
The Secret to Making a Marriage Last
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
- Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in N.Y.
- I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
- We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
- She has an electric blender, electric toaster,and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
- My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, she told me, “In the lake.”
- My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
- She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
- She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”
The Night Train
A man and an attractive woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.
In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you but I’m cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”
The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, “I’ve got a better idea. Let’s pretend we’re married”
“Hey, terrific idea!”, says the eager man.
“Good”, she replies, “GET YOUR OWN BLANKET!”
Millionaire
A woman was telling her friend, “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.”
“And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend.
The woman replied, “A billionaire”.
Ashes to Ashes
After several years of marriage, Debbie’s husband, Mike, died suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn.
Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike’s ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.
“Mike, my beloved Mike,” she began, “I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. Do you like it?
“And, Mike,” she continued, “do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it?
“Well,” Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike’s ashes into the air, “there’s that blow job I was promising you.”
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