The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.'”
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; …she’s dead.”
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night after drinking. John was driving and got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because one of his tail lights was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.” Just then Jessica said, “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.”
So after hearing this, the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, “Sir, your license has expired.” And again, John apologised and mentioned that he didn’t realise that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, “I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.”
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, “JESSICA, WILL YOU SHUT UP!”
The officer then leaned over towards Jessica and asked, “Does your husband always talk to you like that?” Jessica replied, “Nope, not always. Only when he is drunk.”
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards with ending signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.” The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?”
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.”
They were smoking marijuana?”
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey motioned “Screwing.”
“They were screwing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
“Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked.”
“Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.
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