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Heaven

Pick Up Lines

Jun 4, 2021

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1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of these wet clothes.

3. Nice legs…what time do they open?

4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package

5. You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

8. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

9. I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

10. Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

12. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

13. I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.

14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?

15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

16. Are those real?

17. You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.

18. You can feel the magic between us…No, lower!

19. I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

20. Girl, if you were a porch I’d take out all the nails and screw ya.

21. If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

22. (Look down at your crotch) It’s not just going to suck itself.

23. You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.

24. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

26. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

27. My name is (name)…remember that, you’ll be screaming it later.

28. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

29. Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

30. My friend wants to know if YOU think I’M cute.

31. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

32. My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

33. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

34. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

35. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? What you don’t like pizza?

36. I may not be Dairy Queen but I’ll treat you right.

37. Baby, I’m an American Express lover…you shouldn’t go home without me.

38. Do you sleep on your stomach at night? Can I???

39. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.

40. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

41. Let me check the tag on your shirt, I want to see if it says “Made in Heaven”

Sex Freak

Jun 4, 2021

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This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this accent say, “You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.”

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, “I have some special sandals I think you’d be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.” Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?”

The Pakistani man replied, “Just try them on.” Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn’t seen in many years — raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy’s pants.

All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, “YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!”.

Nice Touch

Jun 4, 2021

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At The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance.

A cat shows up. St Peter says “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.”

Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.”

St Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.”

Next a group of mice appeared.

St Peter: “Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted.”

The Chief Mouse replied, “Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates,
please?” St Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.”

Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. “Well, Cat…Did you enjoy the satin pillow?”

Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say…that “Meals on Wheels” thing was a nice touch, too!”

Too Excited to Date

Jun 4, 2021

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Suzie had a crush on Mikey since she was 15 years old. Mikey never paid Suzie any attention. Every year Suzie would try to get Mikey to notice her, but he just wasn’t interested.

Finally, when Suzie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, Mikey noticed. Suzie looked so pretty and grown-up that Mikey asked her for a date for a Friday night!!

She was so excited all that week, she could hardly wait for Friday.

Finally, Friday came.

As soon as she got home from school, Suzie began getting ready for her date at 7. She spent four hours on her clothes, hair and make-up, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for.

Finally, 7 O’Clock came around. Looking out the window, she saw Mikey pull up in his shiny black car. She became so nervous and excited, that she opened the door before he even got to it. “Hi Mikey!” she said, nervous as hell, and Mikey replied, “Suzie you look beautiful!!”

Suzie was so pleased when she walked out the door – then IT hit her.

Suzie realized in horror that she had to FART!! Oh my God she thought, walking along, what am I going to do??

Being a quick thinker, Suzie got an idea: She would let him open her door for her, hurry in, fart, roll down the window real quick, and by the time he came around and got in, all would be O.K.

So they get to the car, Mikey opens the door, and Suzie gets in. He closes the door, then she really rips one! She rolls down the window, and sees that he’s just getting around to his door. Relaxing a little now, Suzie smiles at Mikey as he gets in the Car.

Then Mikey turns to her, points to the back seat, and says, “Suzie, I’d like you to meet my brother Carl and his date”.

Mongolian VD

Jun 4, 2021

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An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakens one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you.

You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”

The man looks a little relieved and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure other than to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Oh no! I want a second opinion!”

The doctor replies, “Well it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way.”

“Then there’s no need to operate? Oh, thank God!” the man replies.

“Yes!” says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!”

What’s in the Bag?

Jun 3, 2021

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One day Adam and Eve looked up and saw God standing there holding a bag.

“Hi, God. What’s in the bag?” asked Eve.

“These are a couple of things that I have left over from creation.”God rummages around in the bag a moment. “Who wants to be able to pee standing up?”

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. “Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help SO MUCH when I’m out hunting! Oh, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me have it!”

“Well, OK, here. Now, let’s see what else we have.” God rummages about a bit more in the bag. “Ah, right. Multiple orgasms.”