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Dog

Drunken Dave

Jun 6, 2021

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Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. ‘Who the hell are you?’, demanded Dave, ‘and what are you doing in my bedroom ?’

The mysterious man answered, ‘This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter.’

Dave was stunned. ‘You mean I’m dead !!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for – and I haven’t said goodbye to my family. . .. You’ve gotto send me back straight away.’

St Peter replied, ‘Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.’

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

‘This ain’t so bad’, he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, ‘So you’re the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?’

‘It’s not so bad’, replies Dave, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode.’

‘You’re ovulating’, explained the rooster. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.’

‘Never’, replies Dave.

‘Well just relax and let it happen’.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popsout from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing thatever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting…

‘Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You’ve crapped the bed!..

Computer Diagnosis

Jun 6, 2021

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One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor. His friend offered, “Don’t do that!!! There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water.. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter’s using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife’s pregnant – twin girls.
They aren’t yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don’t stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better!

Widdle Wabbits

Jun 6, 2021

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A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t think my pet python weally gives a thit.”

Do Everything

Jun 6, 2021

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A lazy man went to a pet shop thinking of getting a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, “Come on, a dog?”

The owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!”

The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.” He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.”

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He’s absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.”

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.

The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”

Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.”

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later… no centipede.

20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede!

He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it… and there’s the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, “Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!”

The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”

Blind Man Parachuting

Jun 6, 2021

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A blind man was describing his favourite sport, parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump.

My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

Jun 6, 2021

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Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop!
“Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
Hand me that…uh…that uh…thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again….
“Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy’s got two of ’em.”
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing off my concentration.
What’s this doing here?
I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here….
That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor’s clean, right?
What do you mean, he wasn’t in for a sex change……!!!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.
Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, right?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don’t worry. I think this is sharp enough.
She’s gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!