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Doctor

Swallowed a Mouse

Jun 6, 2021

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A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said, “Doctor, please come quickly. My Husband just swallowed a mouse and he’s gagging and thrashing about.”

“I’ll be right over,” the doctor said, “In the meanwhile, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there.”

When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked herring over her husband’s mouth.

“Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse.”

“I know, doc,” she replied, “but first I’ve to get the darn cat out of him!”

Phobia

Jun 6, 2021

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A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.

“Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink, “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

Relaxed

Jun 6, 2021

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Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said “Please give me a prescription for the Pill.”

“I don’t think you need the Pill at your age.”

“It relaxes me.”

“But you know the ‘purpose’ of the Pill. It’s not for relaxing,” exclaimed the physician.

“I know,” said Mrs Ogden, “but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed.

My Daughter is a Good Girl

Jun 6, 2021

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A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, “Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!”

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.

I was hoping they’d show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!”

Sawing Wood

Jun 6, 2021

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A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?” The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb.” The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2’s face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself”

Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”

Surgery

Jun 6, 2021

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A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on herbed, and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, “The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can’t wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too.”

“What about the third rose?” asks the patient.

“Oh, that’s from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks… for the new ears.”