After a bitter divorce, a man saw his ex-wife at a party and walk over. Sneering and he said, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
The ex-wife simply sighed and replied, “Yes dear, I know, but at that time I was too in love and didn’t really notice you were.”
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it made a huge difference for me.”
“That’s great! What was the name of the clinic?”
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?”
“You mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. . .”Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”
A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on his bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. “I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.”
The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged, “May I please have those roses?”
“What happened?” the first man asked. “Did you forget your wedding anniversary?”
“It’s even worse than that,” the second man confided. “I crashed my wife’s hard drive.”
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES :
You make the bed………………………………………+1.
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows….0.
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets………………-1.
You leave the toilet seat up …………………………..-5.
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty………….0.
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1.
Then the Kleenex runs out you use the downstairs bathroom….-2.
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings….+5.
At midnight…………………………………………..+8.
In the snow………………………………………….+12.
But return with beer…………………………………..-5.
An hour later………………………………………..-15.
You check out a suspicious noise at night………………..0.
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing…………0.
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something……….+5.
You pummel it with a six iron………………………….+10.
It’s her cat /dog…………………………………….-10.
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:
You stay by her side the entire party…………………….0.
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat
with a college drinking buddy………………………..-2.
Named Tiffany………………………………………-4.
Tiffany is a dancer ………………………………..-6.
Tiffany has implants………………………………..-8.
HER BIRTHDAY:
You take her out to dinner………………………………0.
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar………+1.
Okay, it is a sports bar……………………………….-2.
And it’s all-you-can-eat night …………………………-3.
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team……………..-10.
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:
Go out with a pal……………………………………..-5.
The pal is happily married……………………………..-4.
Or frighteningly single………………………………..-7.
And he drives a Mustang……………………………….-10.
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)……………-15.
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:
You take her to a movie………………………………..+2.
You take her to a movie she likes ………………………+4.
You take her to a movie you hate………………………..+6.
You take her to a movie you like………………………..-2.
It’s called Death Cop 3………………………………..-3.
Which features cyborgs that eat humans ………………….-9.
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…….-15.
PHYSIQUE:
You develop a noticeable potbelly………………………-15.
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it…..+10.
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts……………………………..-30.
You say “It doesn’t matter, you have one too”…………..-800.
THE BIG QUESTION:
She asks, “Do I look fat?”.
You hesitate in responding………………………..-10.
You reply, “Where?”………………………………-35.
Any other response……………………………….-20.
COMMUNICATION:
When she wants to talk about a problem :
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression…..0.
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……….+5.
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100.
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep…………..-200.
The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner.
The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.
“You’re all grown men,” he said, “and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married.”
“What?” gasped one of the sons. “Do you mean to say we’re all bastards?”
“Yes,” snapped the old man, “and cheap ones, too!”
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”
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