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Bar

Tractor Dealer

Jun 5, 2021

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Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar.

Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. “Say, Chris, how ya doing? How’s the tractor selling business these days?”

If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.

“John,” he said, shaking his head, “I don’t know what it is. I can’t sell a tractor these days to save my life. I’ll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I’ll lose that dealership for good.”

“Well,” John said, taking the barstool next to him, “If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this….” “I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol’ cow gets more ornery as the years go by.

Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol’ Bes starts a slappin’ me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol’ Bessy’s tail to the rafters.

Then I got back to work.” “I didn’t even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an’ tie Bessy’s right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.”

“Well by this time, Bessy’s about livid, and she doesn’t want any part of it, so she let’s me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn’t about to give in to this ol’ cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy’s left leg to the other side of the stall.”

Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, “Well, did you finally get to milk her?” “Well, yes and no, Chris. But I’ll tell ya what… If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I’ll BUY a tractor from ya….!”

Give Me The Bill

Jun 5, 2021

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A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur),

“Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.” So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.” The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.” The bartender can’t believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, “What, no drink for me this time?”

The drunk replies, “No way! You get violent when you drink.”

Tough Mice

Jun 5, 2021

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Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams down a shot and says, “I play with mouse traps for fun. I’ll run into one on purpose and as it’s closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.” And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, “That’s nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut ’em up, and snort ’em just for the fun of it.” And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, “Where the hell are you going?” The third mouse stops and replies, “I’m going home to f*ck the cat.”

Beer Festival

Jun 5, 2021

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After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’S best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

Musical Octopus

Jun 5, 2021

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A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says “I’ll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN’T play’

The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar. The octopus’ owner pockets the $50.

Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it’s lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50.

The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.

He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, “Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I’ll give you $100.”

The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus’ owner comes over and says “What are you waiting for? Hurry up and play that damn thing!”

The octopus says, “Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it’s pajamas off, I’m gonna screw it!!”

Designated Drunk

Jun 5, 2021

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Neighbours had complained to the mayor about the noisy pub on the corner of 3rd & Lambourne. Seems that the old cronies got together every friday & saturday, played cards, drank beer, told lies and jokes till 2am Saturday morning, when the pub had to close.

Officer Redding, parked down the street was not amused. He checked his watch, noted it was 01:55, time for the old drunks to start leaving. If he hadn’t been assigned this crap detail he’d be down at the I-80 Truck stop about now having a nice hot cup of coffee. Redding pulled out a cigarette and was about to light up when the door of the pub slammed open and an old geezer stumbled out. Redding put the smoke back in the pack; he was ‘on point’ now. The old man stumbled around, fished his car keys out of his pocket, dropped them a couple of times, finally found them and weaved down the sidewalk and across the road to his car. Redding started his engine, watching carefully as the old man fumbled to unlock his door. Other patrons leaving the pub seemed a little tipsy, but nothing like the old goat trying to get into his car. As soon as the old man’s car started to pull away from the curb, Redding was on him like a hound on a bone, siren, red lights and loud speaker. Redding wanted these complaining neighbours to know the city was doing it’s job.

“Outta the car, old man!” demanded Redding.
“But officer, I haven’t had anything to drink!” complained the old man.
“Sure, you haven’t, old timer, sure you haven’t”, replied Redding as he put on the cuffs on the old man and hauled him downtown.

At the station, the old man blew into the breathalyzer, and the needle didn’t move.

“What the… YOU haven’t been drinking, old timer!” Redding exclaimed.
“But that’s what i tried to tell you back there, officer!” explained the old man.
“Well then why were you stumbling all over the place?” asked Redding.
“Well, officer, tonight when we all got to the pub, they elected me to be the ‘designated drunk’ when the place closed down!”