A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son…
“When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
Without looking up from his game, the boy pointed out, “When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States.”
If AOL were a City
– You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.
– You’d only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
– Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99
– The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
– 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and offers from www.girlies.com
– The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.
– The local post office wouldn’t forward your mail to you when you moved.
– The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.
– If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how “really important you are to us.”
– The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass company somewhere else.
– Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.
– Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream, “M/F??!!,” AGE/SEX?!?!, “WHAT ARE YOUR STATS,” or “WANNA GET LUCKY?”
– Those who didn’t do that would call you and say ” Hi, I’m j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family.”
– Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming “WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.”
– Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh behind your back.
– Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.
– You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it’s really the Earth’s fault.
– Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy, drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.
– Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you’d foot the bill.
– You’d send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they’d wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.
– You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunup.
– The administration would secretly sell off chunks of the city’s land, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.
– The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and advertise that children can play there free, then suddenly demand money while ripping down the swings and accosting the children playing there.
– Don’t forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies cannot get out “for safety reasons,” and then hordes of perverts & pedophiles are allowed in.
– The police would work for free out of some sort of “duty” to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.
– Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout “HEY!! YOU DO WANT AN AOL VISA, DON’T YOU?” To which you say “no.” The voice then replies “OK, I’LL ASK YOU TOMORROW.”
– A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom, 2 patches, commercial pics of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g.
– Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.
– Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.
A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son…
“When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
Without looking up from his game, the boy pointed out, “When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States.”
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the man she married?
Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
Marriage is one long conversation, checkered by disputes.
No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed when he himself is up.
If you have a job without aggravations, you don’t have a job.
Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it’s time to get up.
Many a women who thinks she has purchased a dress for the ridiculous price has actually bought it for an absurd figure.
When a man says it’s a silly, childish game, it’s probably something his wife can beat him at.
You can always tell a house with young boys in it. You have to wash the soap before you can use it.
Nowadays the pay check that arrives none too soon, is too soon none.
A woman is like a tea bag: you never know her strength until she is in hot water.
Almost every child would learn to write sooner if allowed to do his homework on wet cement.
Women like the simpler things in life – like men.
Robbers demand your money or your life; women require both.
Children aren’t happy without something to ignore; and that’s what parents were created for.
It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a mans to stay unmarried as long as he can.
All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.
Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said “Please give me a prescription for the Pill.”
“I don’t think you need the Pill at your age.”
“It relaxes me.”
“But you know the ‘purpose’ of the Pill. It’s not for relaxing,” exclaimed the physician.
“I know,” said Mrs Ogden, “but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed.
Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening, thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten.
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
“Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.” (Judy, 8)
“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.” (Tommy, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” (Mike,10)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10)
“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” (Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
“It’s better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them.” (Lynette, 9)
“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” (Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:
“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” (Jan, 9)
“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” (Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” (Roger, 9)
“If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes to long to learn.” (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:
“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 8)
“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” (Gary, 7)
“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a longtime.” (Christine,9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off, because they paid good money for them.” (David, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ are on TV.” (Anita, 6)
“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I’ve been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 8)
“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” (Regina, 10)
PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.”(Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, 6)
“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo, 9)
“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” (John, 9)
“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food,” (Brad, 8)
“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like their hearts are on fire.” (Christine, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU”:
“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day.” (Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:
“You learn it right on the spot, when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.” (Doug, 7)
“It might help if you watched soap operas all day.” (Carin, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
“It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you…that’s why I stopped doing it.” (Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” (Tom, 7)
“Don’t forget your wife’s name…that will mess up the love.” (Roger, 8)
“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out.” (Randy, 8)
