Job Benefits Package

Jun 5, 2021

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The young accounting graduate, fresh out of uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The prospective employer asked him what starting salary he was looking for. “Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” Graduate replied.

“Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5% superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home telephone reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000 kilometers, say a Mercedes convertible.” Employer offered.

The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited. “Wow. Are you kidding?” “Yeah. But you started it.”

My Computer Crashed

Jun 5, 2021

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Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”

Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”

Customer: “No, it didn’t crash-it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”

Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. I crashed mySpaceship and now it doesn’t work.”
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.'”

Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”

Plans After Your Release

Jun 5, 2021

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Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they’re cured and ready to re-enter society.

“So, Mr. Clark,” the doctor says to one of his patients, “I see by your chart that you’ve been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you’re released?”

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, “Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That’s still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it’s like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that.

In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I’ve grown interested in lately.”

Dr. Leroy nods and says, “Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.”

The patient replies, “And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot.”

I Don’t Believe in Icons

Jun 5, 2021

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Tech Support: “All right… now double-click on the File Manager icon.”

Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows – because of the icons I’ma Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”

Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t Believe it was meant to-”

Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in icons.”

Tech Support: “Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a filing cabinet…is ‘little picture’ OK?”

Customer: [click]

Microsoft Help Desk

Jun 5, 2021

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Help desk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?

Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?

Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don’t understand your problem?

Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?

Jobs, Satan Announce Deal

Jun 5, 2021

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August 6, 1997: “The era of competition between good and evil is over,” Steve Jobs told a keynote audience at MacWorld Expo today. “We have to let go of the notion that for good to triumph, evil must perish.”

In a presentation that had been anxiously awaited by the Mac community, Jobs announced a historic deal between Apple Computer and Beelzebub, Lord of Darkness and Supreme Ruler of the Empire of Evil.

During his short speech to a stunned crowd, Jobs said that Satan will be purchasing $150M worth of Apple staff’s souls, at the current market price. “I have Lucifer’s word that he will not use his control over these souls to influence the direction we take in any way.” Furthermore, said Jobs, the Devil will not be able to cash in any of the immortal souls for three whole years.

The Antichrist then addressed the room via a live link from the Pits of Hell, and said that the Empire of Evil is committed to developing major pestilences for the Mac platform — including Office 98 — for at least the next five years. A collaboration on destroying the Sun is also part of the deal with the Lord of Darkness.

Jobs said that Mac users should be grateful for the happiness that an honest, widely-respected and much-loved organization like The Eternal Pit of Torment will bring to the Mac community.

In the wake of the announcement, Apple’s stock leapt 30 pieces of silver over the previous day’s high.