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Ear Problem

Jun 6, 2021

0 183

A man walks into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approaches the desk, the receptionist asks, “Sir, may we help you?”

“There’s something wrong with my penis,” he informs her.

The receptionist indignantly responds, “Sir, You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say something like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he says.

“Because” replies the receptionist. “You’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there’s something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man walks out, waits several minutes, and re-enters. The receptionist smiles smugly and asks,

“Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he states.

The receptionist nods approvingly.

“And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”

“It burns when I piss out of it” the man replied.

Assassin

Jun 6, 2021

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.”I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Cold Cream

Jun 6, 2021

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Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..

“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Davie. “Giving up?”

You Get What You Ask For

Jun 6, 2021

0 210

A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

“You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

“I took a ride on a choo-choo.” She said “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words.” She then asked little Alec what he had done.

“I read a book,” he replied.

“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, “Winnie the SH*T.”

Car Porch

Jun 6, 2021

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One day, an out-of-work man knocks on the door of a home in an upper-class neighbourhood. The lady of the house answers. “Pardon Mam, I’m out of work and looking for any odd jobs that people need to be done. I’m very handy with everything from repairs to yard work, to painting…”

“Painting?” the woman jumped in. “Oh, yes, Ma’am! I’m a very careful painter,” the man replied, his face brightening at the realisation she could provide him some work. “I’ll tell you what. My husband just bought some green paint last week to paint the porch out back with, byt we haven’t had any time. If you can do a good job, then you can paint it before he gets home and surprise him. Now, do a particularly good job and paint the trimmings white also, and I’ll pay you an extra bonus.”

“Oh yes, Ma’am, I’ll do an excellent job!” He was told the paints were also around the back in the garage. An a few hours later, the man returns to the door. “That was quick, did you do a good job?” the woman inquires. “Oh yes Ma’am, two coats! But there’s something you should know,” the man says. “That’s not a Porsche, That’s a Mercedes!”

Great Writer

Jun 6, 2021

0 186

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.