The neighbour dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
“What’s wrong Marge?” she asked.
Marge told her that she had “morning sickness.”
Surprised, the neighbour said, “I didn’t even know you were pregnant!”
“I’m not.” the harried young woman replied. “I’m just damn sick of mornings.”
After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card — unopened — laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red “A” under the subject of MATH.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. “Was it the nuns that did it?,” the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, “No.” “Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?” “No.” “The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?”
“Nope,” said the son. “On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the ‘plus sign,’ I just knew they meant business!”
A man and his little boy were walking through the park when a honeybee landed near them. The boy ran over and stomped on it. The father gave him a lecture about having respect for living things and added, “Just for that you can’t have any honey for two weeks!”.
Pretty soon a butterfly landed near them. The boy ran over and stomped on it. Again, the father gave him a lecture and added, “Just for that you can’t have any butter for two weeks!”.
When they got home, they went into the kitchen, and a cockroach ran across the floor. The mother ran over and stomped on it. The boy said to his father, “Well do you want to tell her, or shall I?”.
An 8-year-old girl asks her father, “Daddy, what is sex?” The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question. But, he reckons if she’s old enough to ask the question, then surely she’s old enough for a straight answer. So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the “birds and the bees.”
After a brief explanation, the little girl appears wide-eyed in disbelief. “By the way,dear, why do you ask?” the father asks. The Little girl replies, “Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.It was you, wasn’t it son?”
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”
The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.”
It was this little girl’s first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, “Happy Butt.” The teacher said,”Honey I don’t think that’s your name you need to go to the principal’s office and get this straightened out.” So she went to the principal’s office and he asked, “What’s your name?” And the little girl said, “Happy Butt.”
The principal called the girl’s mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After Getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, “Honey, your name’s is Gladys, not Happy Butt.”
The girl then exclaimed, “Glad Ass, Happy Butt” what’s the difference?
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