Question: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Two. But I have no idea how they get in there.
I have No Idea
A Vacationing Penguin
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.
He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.
He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.”
Who Do You Think?
During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, “I’m paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does.”
“I guarantee it, madam,” replied the auctioneer. “Who do you think was bidding against you?”
10 Years is a Long Time
A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.
Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.The snail looks up and says, “What the hell was that all about?”
Jesus is watching you
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”
He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, “Jesus is watching you.” In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside.
The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesus is watching me” The parrot replied, “Yes.”
Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?” The parrot said, “Clarence.” The burglar said, “That’s a stupid name for a parrot.
What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot answered, “The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus.”
That Darn Cat
A man who absolutely hated his wife’s cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.
As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes,” the wife answers. “Why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answers: “Put that damn cat on the phone. I’m lost and I need directions!”
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