One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate.
“Whatcha doin?” he asked. Mongo replies, “My goldfish died and I’m burying him.”
“That’s an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain’t it?” asked the neighbor.
Mongo shot back, “That’s because he’s inside your f*ckin’ cat!’
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God….
“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”
Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”
God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision.”
“Fine, but where should I go first?”
“I’ll leave that up to you.”
“Okay then,” said Bill, “let’s try Hell first.”
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature
perfect.
He was very pleased.
“This is great!” he told God. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”
“Fine” said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
“Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told God.
“Fine,” retorted God, “as you desire.”
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and
tortured by demons.
“How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, and the beautiful women playing in the water????”
“That was the DEMO,” replied God
A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem, the guy told him.
Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move until somebody beat it off. The man is desperate, so he decides he will go along with that.
He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat off the camel every day for the first three days.
On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, And again.
Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says “For Christ’s sake, what do you want now?” The camel puckers up and makes little sucking noises.
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.It was you, wasn’t it son?”
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”
The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.”
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs.
Suddenly the turtle jumps off the tree onto the ground with a hard knock over his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground again.
The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain.
Suddenly the female bird says to the male: “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, “Vietnam, 1969.”
The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog crap, 20 feet back.”
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