Leave Me Alone

Jun 6, 2021

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Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So’s the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married’!”

Newspaper Ads

Jun 6, 2021

1 341

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”.

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

Grandma’s Boyfriend

Jun 6, 2021

0 1300

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend.”

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister.

The minister said, “Hello, son, is your grandma home?”

The little boy replied, “Yeah, but she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

The minister fainted.

Fur Coat

Jun 6, 2021

0 271

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.

“HA,” he snorted, “The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!”

On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward. “There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat.”

“That’s not your chest!” he roars back. “Damn right it’s my chest,” she argued.

“Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest.

AND IF YOU DON’T BUY ME A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!”

She Read Slow

Jun 6, 2021

0 458

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.”

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.

She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.”

Sceptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”

The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”

Weird Baby

Jun 6, 2021

0 247

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, “Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?”

“Well, yes, but only once.”

“Once is all it takes” he replied.

Then the torso came out and it was yellow.

“Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?”

“Well, yes” she said, “but only once.”

“Once is all it takes,” he said.

When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.

“Well, yes” she said, “but only once.”

“Once is all it takes,” he said.

He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed “Oh, thank God, at least it doesn’t bark!”