Baptized

Jun 3, 2021

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Three little boys were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?”

“Sure,” said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

Then he said, “Now go out and play.”

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, “What religion do you think we are?”

The oldest one said, “We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.”

“We’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.”

“We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you.”

The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water!”

“Yeah! What do you think that means?”

“I think it means we’re Pisscopalians.”

Tough Mice

Jun 3, 2021

0 169

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams down a shot and says, “I play with mouse traps for fun. I’ll run into one on purpose and as it’s closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.” And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, “That’s nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut ’em up, and snort ’em just for the fun of it.” And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, “Where the hell are you going?” The third mouse stops and replies, “I’m going home to f*ck the cat.”

Mommy and Daddy

Jun 3, 2021

0 222

There are some children in a class naming animals and they come across a picture of a deer.

So the teacher asks Bobby, “What is this animal called?”

“I dunno,” claims Bobby.

So then she says, “I’ll give you a hint: it’s what your mother calls your father.”

The boy thinks for a minute and then says, “Oh that’s what a son of a bitch looks like!”

Big Breaths

Jun 3, 2021

0 98

An elderly and slightly deaf female patient went to see a doctor.

The doctor placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

“Big breaths,” The doctor instructed.

“Yes, they used to be big,” remorsefully replied the patient.

Right Password

Jun 3, 2021

0 349

A customer couldn’t get on the internet.

Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

Musical Octopus

Jun 3, 2021

0 230

A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says “I’ll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN’T play’

The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar. The octopus’ owner pockets the $50.

Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it’s lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50.

The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.

He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, “Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I’ll give you $100.”

The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus’ owner comes over and says “What are you waiting for? Hurry up and play that damn thing!”

The octopus says, “Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it’s pajamas off, I’m gonna screw it!!”