One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate.
“Whatcha doin?” he asked. Mongo replies, “My goldfish died and I’m burying him.”
“That’s an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain’t it?” asked the neighbor.
Mongo shot back, “That’s because he’s inside your f*ckin’ cat!’
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God….
“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”
Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”
God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision.”
“Fine, but where should I go first?”
“I’ll leave that up to you.”
“Okay then,” said Bill, “let’s try Hell first.”
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature
perfect.
He was very pleased.
“This is great!” he told God. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”
“Fine” said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
“Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told God.
“Fine,” retorted God, “as you desire.”
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and
tortured by demons.
“How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, and the beautiful women playing in the water????”
“That was the DEMO,” replied God
A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem, the guy told him.
Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move until somebody beat it off. The man is desperate, so he decides he will go along with that.
He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat off the camel every day for the first three days.
On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, And again.
Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says “For Christ’s sake, what do you want now?” The camel puckers up and makes little sucking noises.
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs.
Suddenly the turtle jumps off the tree onto the ground with a hard knock over his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground again.
The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain.
Suddenly the female bird says to the male: “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”
It was this little girl’s first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, “Happy Butt.” The teacher said,”Honey I don’t think that’s your name you need to go to the principal’s office and get this straightened out.” So she went to the principal’s office and he asked, “What’s your name?” And the little girl said, “Happy Butt.”
The principal called the girl’s mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After Getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, “Honey, your name’s is Gladys, not Happy Butt.”
The girl then exclaimed, “Glad Ass, Happy Butt” what’s the difference?
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, “Vietnam, 1969.”
The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog crap, 20 feet back.”
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