A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen.
The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony.
He says to the doctor, “Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?”
So the doctor says, “Yes, I’ll prescribe you some Viagra”.
“Viagra?” says the poor guy. “How will that help my sunburn?”.
“It won’t help your sunburn much” says the doctor, “but at least it’ll keep the sheets off it!”
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. “Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to really ticked if it’s not ready on time!” she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. “Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.”
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
“You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?”
The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself.”
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
“People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our own problems.”
“Since we’re all professionals,” another suggests, “why don’t we hear each other out right now?”
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.”
The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”
The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”
I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale sucking in his ample stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, “I don’t think that is going to help much, honey?”
“Sure it does,” he said. “How else can I see the numbers!”
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: “What are you doing here today?”
Woman: “Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it.”
Man: “Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.”
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: “Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?”
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] “Unh unh.”
Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, he said, “you are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
He turns to the third mom. “Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, “Come on Dick! We’re leaving.”
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