Thursday, September 20, 2018
Tags Posts tagged with "Heaven"

Heaven

Boys will be Boys jokes Times

OK, I’m the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down…etc.

SOOOOoooooooooo I’m the only one who would be using Female Product’s…..correct?

A STRANGE thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing. *Insert Twilight Zone theme here *

Ok….A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.

The next month (T.O.M) I go back to the cupboard…..and VOILA….there is only ONE tampon left again. What’s going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.

WELL…..I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and LOW and BEHOLD….at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves.

I am starting to FREAK!!! Dear God, what are they doing with them??????

I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I’m thinking,”Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?”

I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to “COME HERE!!!!”

They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet.

I said “What are you doing with THOSE? THOSE are MINE!”

My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.

My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. “Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff… and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles… What do YOU use them for?”

“NEVER MIND!! GO PLAY!!!!”

Cigarette Run Jokes Times

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some
talcum powder!”

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious.

“Where the hell have you been!”?

He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this lovely lady and I slept with her.”

“Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

“Damn liar, you were out bowling again!”

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Pearly Gates Jokes Times

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates all die in a plane crash.

They are standing before God, seated on his throne.

God asks Al: “What do you believe?”

Al says: “I believe in the earth. I believe if we don’t protect it, the whole earth will die.”

God says: “I like that, come sit at my left. Bill Clinton, what do you believe?”

Bill Clinton says: “I believe in people. I believe the people should be empowered. I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to do.”

God says: “I like that, come sit on my right. OK Bill Gates, what do you believe?”

Bill Gates says: “I believe you’re in my seat.”

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Guy Jokes Jokes Times

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How do men define a “50/50” relationship?
We cook — they eat; we clean — they dirty; we iron — they wrinkle.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
“My wife says…”

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because none of them will stop to ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

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Do not Step on Ducks Jokes Times

Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes then saying, “you can do as you please in here, just don’t step on any ducks.”

The women are puzzled buy proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere.

In a matter of minutes, one of the woman steps on a duck. Saint Peter walks up to that woman with a very ugly man. Saint Peter then shackles that man and woman together and says, “for stepping on the duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man.”

The other two women are shocked buy go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately, Saint Peter came and shackles her with another ugly man.

The last woman tries desperately to not step on any duck. After a few months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the last woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome man.

Saint Peter then shackles the woman to this man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to be chained to such a handsome man, says, “I don’t know what I did to deserve to be shackles with such a handsome man like you.” The man replies, “I don’t know what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck.”

God is Watching Jokes Times

Here is the scene: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Church elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and put it on the apple tray…

‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

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