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Cook

How Many Kinds…

Jun 5, 2021

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Cat Calls

Jun 5, 2021

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A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. “Is this the vet?” asked an elderly lady.

“Yes, it is,” replied the vet, “Is this an emergency?”

“Well, sort of,” said the elderly lady, “There’s a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?”

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, “Open the window and tell them they’re wanted on the phone.”

“Really?” said the elderly lady, “Will that stop them?”

“Well, it should,” said the vet, “It stopped ME!”

Chicken Sandwiches

Jun 5, 2021

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A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.

He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?”

She said “I love it but I have to stop eating it.” “Why?” he asked. She pointed to her lap and said “Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!”

“Let me see” he said. “Okay” and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, “That’s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.”

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!”

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said, “Oh, my God, it’s too late for you! You’ve already got the neck and the gizzards.”

What Mommy Calls Me

Jun 5, 2021

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, “Well it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.” The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it. Its an asshole!

The Real Boss

Jun 5, 2021

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The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read: “I’m the Boss!” He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

The Points System

Jun 5, 2021

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In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES :

You make the bed………………………………………+1.
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows….0.
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets………………-1.

You leave the toilet seat up …………………………..-5.
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty………….0.
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1.
Then the Kleenex runs out you use the downstairs bathroom….-2.

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings….+5.
At midnight…………………………………………..+8.
In the snow………………………………………….+12.
But return with beer…………………………………..-5.
An hour later………………………………………..-15.

You check out a suspicious noise at night………………..0.
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing…………0.
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something……….+5.
You pummel it with a six iron………………………….+10.
It’s her cat /dog…………………………………….-10.

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:

You stay by her side the entire party…………………….0.
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat
with a college drinking buddy………………………..-2.
Named Tiffany………………………………………-4.
Tiffany is a dancer ………………………………..-6.
Tiffany has implants………………………………..-8.

HER BIRTHDAY:

You take her out to dinner………………………………0.
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar………+1.
Okay, it is a sports bar……………………………….-2.
And it’s all-you-can-eat night …………………………-3.
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team……………..-10.

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:

Go out with a pal……………………………………..-5.
The pal is happily married……………………………..-4.
Or frighteningly single………………………………..-7.
And he drives a Mustang……………………………….-10.
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)……………-15.

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a movie………………………………..+2.
You take her to a movie she likes ………………………+4.
You take her to a movie you hate………………………..+6.
You take her to a movie you like………………………..-2.
It’s called Death Cop 3………………………………..-3.
Which features cyborgs that eat humans ………………….-9.
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…….-15.

PHYSIQUE:

You develop a noticeable potbelly………………………-15.
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it…..+10.
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts……………………………..-30.
You say “It doesn’t matter, you have one too”…………..-800.

THE BIG QUESTION:

She asks, “Do I look fat?”.

You hesitate in responding………………………..-10.
You reply, “Where?”………………………………-35.
Any other response……………………………….-20.

COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem :

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression…..0.
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……….+5.
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100.
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep…………..-200.