You Complain too much

Sep 18, 2020

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On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!”

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”.

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you”.

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”

Stupid Dog

Sep 9, 2020

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A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

“An’ wot’s this then?” he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher’s shins.

“You dumb dog.” As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef].

The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that’s been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him.

The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. “Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who’ll know?”

Again, the dog growls menacingly. “Alright, alright,” as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor.

The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog’s owner screams at the dog. “Hey, what are you doing? That’s a really smart dog you’ve got there,” comments the butcher. “He’s a stupid dog–that’s the third time this week he’s forgotten his key.

Good Horse

Sep 6, 2020

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This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon.

Swinging off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging on the porch by moving around to the horse’s hindquarters, lifting up it tail, and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.

“What’d you do that for?” asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
“Chapped lips,” said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
“Wait a minute,” said the old guy. “Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?”
“Keeps ya from lickin’ ’em,” explained the cowboy.

Thirsty Snake

Sep 6, 2020

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Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realised he had forgotten to bring any bait.

Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth…

The Human Race

Aug 27, 2020

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A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

Where is my Parakeet

Aug 21, 2020

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A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he said to himself.

He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. “Here,” she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. “I found them in the hallway.”

“Now,” she said, “if only I could find my parakeet.”