Dead Chicken

Jun 7, 2021

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It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.

The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crack from the carcass impact, it’ll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they’re developing. They borrowed the FAA’s chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired.

The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer’s chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab.

The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: “Use a thawed chicken.”

Genie in the Bottle

Jun 7, 2021

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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out pooped a genie. The genie said, “OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three… You only get one wish!”

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete – how much steel!! No, think of another wish.”

The man said “OK, I will try to think of a really good wish.” Finally he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know what they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’, know how to make them truly happy.”

The genie said, “Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?”

That’s the Spirit

Jun 7, 2021

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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”

A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'”

The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”

He explains to her why they are dam fish.

Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.

He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”

Two Times

Jun 7, 2021

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There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage.

Horse Races

Jun 7, 2021

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A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a newspaper.

“What was that for?” he asked.

“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.

“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, “What the hell was that for?”

She replied “Your horse called.”

Grab a Beer

Jun 7, 2021

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A man came home from work and sat in his recliner, happy to be home and relaxing after a long and hectic day at the office.

He called to his wife, “Honey, bring me a beer before it starts.”

Somewhat irritated but willing to fulfill her hard-working husband’s wish, she got a beer from the refrigerator and promptly delivered it to her reclining husband.

He immediately began drinking it, and not more than fifteen minutes later he called to his wife a second time, “Honey, grab another beer for me before it starts.”

Now truly annoyed but unwilling to get into an argument, the wife stomped into the kitchen, snatched a beer from the refrigerator and tossed it at her reclining husband as she walked past him.

Once again, he immediately began guzzling the beer, and about ten minutes later he called out to his wife a third time, “Honey, bring me another beer will you? It’s just about to start.”

Now at the end of her rope, the wife stormed through the house into the kitchen, all the while speaking in an angry voice about how she was not put on this earth to be a slave to the opposite sex and that she was not going to be her husband’s own personal bartender for the entire night. She had had a long day too, and expected some peace and quiet for herself. She jerked open the refrigerator, grabbed a beer, and slammed the refrigerator closed. She finished ranting just about the time she reached her reclining husband and threw the third beer at him.

Satisfied, the husband opened the beer, took a large gulp of the frosty brew, and said, “Ahhh, just in time.”