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House

The Electric Trainset

Jun 5, 2021

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A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his new electric train set. She heard the train stop and her son said ‘all you sons of bitches who are getting off, get the hell off now, and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on-get your asses on the train cause we’re leaving right now.’

The mother went into the living room and told her son, ‘we don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train but you must use nicer language.’

Two hours later, Her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, ‘All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope that you will ride with us again. For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow all hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope that you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.’

First Date

Jun 5, 2021

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It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in.

“Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?,” he says. “That’s cool” says Bobby.

Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie’s father responds “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie’s Dad to repeat it.

“Yeah,” says Carries father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

“DAMMIT DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

I Wanna Be Weighed

Jun 5, 2021

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The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

“What would you like to do next?” he asked.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

“One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”

“Wousy,” said the girl.

Surprise Call

Jun 5, 2021

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Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

“Hello?” Says a little girl’s voice.

“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” Says Bob. “Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey!”

“Yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!”

“Okay, then. Here’s what I want you do do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.”

“Okay, Daddy!”

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”

“And what happened?”

“Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.”

“Oh my god… And what about Uncle Frank?”

“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgotten that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead too.”

There is a long pause, then Bob says,

“Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?”

Walking the Dog

Jun 5, 2021

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A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.”

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where ‘s Belle?”

The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

Bill in Hell

Jun 5, 2021

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Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God….

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”

God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?”

“I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay then,” said Bill, “let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature
perfect.

He was very pleased.

“This is great!” he told God. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”

“Fine” said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

“Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told God.

“Fine,” retorted God, “as you desire.”

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and
tortured by demons.

“How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, and the beautiful women playing in the water????”

“That was the DEMO,” replied God