Friday, April 3, 2020
Tags Posts tagged with "Birthday"

Birthday

Greeting Cards Jokes Times

A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store.

After a few minutes the clerk became curious and asked, “Just what is it you’re looking for, sonny? Birthday greeting? Message to a sick friend? Anniversary congratulations to your mom and dad?”

The boy shook his head, “No.”

“Then what kind of card is it that you want?” asked the clerk.

The boy answered wistfully, “Got anything in the line of blank report cards?”

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Man & Woman Jokes Times

Women

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

Women wait by the phone for a “safe at home call” from a friend after a snowy drive home.

They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice.

They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and for getting their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.

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The Gift Jokes Times

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for a new sweetheart’s birthday, and after careful consideration he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note; romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went shopping and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister bought a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

“I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it wasn’t for your sister, I would have chosen the longer ones with buttons, but she said the short ones are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really nice in them.

I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as naturally they will be a little damp from wearing.

Just think of how many times I will kiss them in the coming year. I hope you will wear them on our date this Friday. I would love to see you in them. All my love.”

The Points System Jokes Times

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES :

You make the bed………………………………………+1.
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows….0.
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets………………-1.

You leave the toilet seat up …………………………..-5.
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty………….0.
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1.
Then the Kleenex runs out you use the downstairs bathroom….-2.

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings….+5.
At midnight…………………………………………..+8.
In the snow………………………………………….+12.
But return with beer…………………………………..-5.
An hour later………………………………………..-15.

You check out a suspicious noise at night………………..0.
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing…………0.
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something……….+5.
You pummel it with a six iron………………………….+10.
It’s her cat /dog…………………………………….-10.

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:

You stay by her side the entire party…………………….0.
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat
with a college drinking buddy………………………..-2.
Named Tiffany………………………………………-4.
Tiffany is a dancer ………………………………..-6.
Tiffany has implants………………………………..-8.

HER BIRTHDAY:

You take her out to dinner………………………………0.
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar………+1.
Okay, it is a sports bar……………………………….-2.
And it’s all-you-can-eat night …………………………-3.
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team……………..-10.

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:

Go out with a pal……………………………………..-5.
The pal is happily married……………………………..-4.
Or frighteningly single………………………………..-7.
And he drives a Mustang……………………………….-10.
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)……………-15.

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a movie………………………………..+2.
You take her to a movie she likes ………………………+4.
You take her to a movie you hate………………………..+6.
You take her to a movie you like………………………..-2.
It’s called Death Cop 3………………………………..-3.
Which features cyborgs that eat humans ………………….-9.
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…….-15.

PHYSIQUE:

You develop a noticeable potbelly………………………-15.
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it…..+10.
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts……………………………..-30.
You say “It doesn’t matter, you have one too”…………..-800.

THE BIG QUESTION:

She asks, “Do I look fat?”.

You hesitate in responding………………………..-10.
You reply, “Where?”………………………………-35.
Any other response……………………………….-20.

COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem :

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression…..0.
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……….+5.
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100.
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep…………..-200.

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Ice Fishing Jokes Times

A young lady who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift.

Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice. When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There are no fish in there”. So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there. So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there.

So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her. “How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the young girl.

So the man cooly says “Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you’re going to pay for those holes.”

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Best not to Boast Jokes Times

Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained started talking about their kids.

The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He Became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes For his birthday.”

The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”

The third man said: “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.”

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?”

One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..

What about your son?”

The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”

The three friends said: “What a shame…what a disappointment.”

The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.”

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