Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy ..
… you just hoped nobody ever found out!!
A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, “Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he’s got it rough, but his life is easy!”
The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, mister! I’ve seen you in here before. You’re in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?”
The guy replies, “I make bets for a living. I’ll show you. I’ll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!” The bartender looks at him and says, “OK, you’re on.”
The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth.
The bartender says, “I didn’t know you had a glass eye. You win.”
The guy then says, “I’ll let you win your money back. I’ll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye.”
The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, “I know you’re not blind so you can’t have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!” The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, “Hey buddy, you won again.As you can see,I don’t do a lot of business in here. I can’t afford to make any more bets with you.”
The guy replies, “I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I’ll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I’ll leave here on the bar. I won’t miss a drop. I won’t even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle.”
After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, “There’s no way! You’re on!”
The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn’t even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, “Ahah! I knew you couldn’t do it. I won my back my $10!!!” Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, “What happened to him?”
The guy replies, “Oh, he’ll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you’d laugh about it.”
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
“Mommy,” said the little boy, “what are all those ladies doing?”
“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off of work,” she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers. They have sex with men for money.”
The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true, mommy?” His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?”
“They mostly become cab drivers,” she replied.
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests…I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could…the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain…which do you want, my daughter or the million dollars?”
The guy says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy. “Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.
“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
If AOL were a City
– You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.
– You’d only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
– Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99
– The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
– 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and offers from www.girlies.com
– The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.
– The local post office wouldn’t forward your mail to you when you moved.
– The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.
– If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how “really important you are to us.”
– The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass company somewhere else.
– Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.
– Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream, “M/F??!!,” AGE/SEX?!?!, “WHAT ARE YOUR STATS,” or “WANNA GET LUCKY?”
– Those who didn’t do that would call you and say ” Hi, I’m j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family.”
– Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming “WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.”
– Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh behind your back.
– Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.
– You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it’s really the Earth’s fault.
– Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy, drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.
– Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you’d foot the bill.
– You’d send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they’d wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.
– You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunup.
– The administration would secretly sell off chunks of the city’s land, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.
– The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and advertise that children can play there free, then suddenly demand money while ripping down the swings and accosting the children playing there.
– Don’t forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies cannot get out “for safety reasons,” and then hordes of perverts & pedophiles are allowed in.
– The police would work for free out of some sort of “duty” to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.
– Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout “HEY!! YOU DO WANT AN AOL VISA, DON’T YOU?” To which you say “no.” The voice then replies “OK, I’LL ASK YOU TOMORROW.”
– A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom, 2 patches, commercial pics of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g.
– Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.
– Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.
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