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New Member in Family

Jun 7, 2021

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For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

Opposite Cursor

Jun 6, 2021

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A user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress.

She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.

Artificial Intelligence

Jun 6, 2021

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An Annapolis computer science major was given an artificial intelligence assignment for one of his classes. He ended up creating a program where you could have a conversation with your computer based on your IQ level.

To test his program he entered 80 and had a conversation with his Soap Operas. He entered 100 and talked about politics. He entered 150 and talked about nuclear physics.

Just to see what would happen he entered a -50 and the computer bumped and belched and sparked and smoked for a good 10 minutes. When it finally settled down it displayed “On Brave Old Army Team…..”

Twenty Children’s Books You’ll Never See

Jun 6, 2021

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You are different and that’s bad.
Pop goes the hamster…… and other great microwave games.
What is that dog doing to that other dog?
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins and the Vice Squad.
Barbar meets the taxidermist.
Testing home made parachutes using household pets.
Garfield gets feline leukemia.
The Kids’ Guide to hitchhiking.
The pop-up book of human anatomy.
Things rich kids have, but you never shall.
The Care Bears maul some campers and are shot dead.
The boy who died from eating all his vegetables.
Controlling the Playground: Respect through fear.
You were an accident.
Some Kittens can fly!
Daddy drinks because you cry.
Curious George and the high voltage fence.
How to become the dominant military power in your primary school.
Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Point become friends.
Start an estate agency with the change from your mums purse.

Chicken Sandwiches

Jun 6, 2021

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A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.

He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?”

She said “I love it but I have to stop eating it.” “Why?” he asked. She pointed to her lap and said “Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!”

“Let me see” he said. “Okay” and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, “That’s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.”

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!”

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said, “Oh, my God, it’s too late for you! You’ve already got the neck and the gizzards.”

Headache from the Base of Your Spine

Jun 6, 2021

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Headache-from-the-Base-of-Your-Spine-Jokes-Times

The Doctor said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches… The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.”

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long.”

Joe laughed and said, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

“Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve.”

Joe was surprised. “How did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years.” The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, “You could use new shoes.”

Since Joe was on a roll, he said, “Sure.”

The man eyed Joe’s feet and said, “9-1/2E.”

Joe was astonished. “That’s right. How did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years.”

Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, “How about new underwear?”

Joe thought for a second and said, “Why not.”

The man stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see, size 36.”

Joe laughed. “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18 years old.”

The tailor shook his head. “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”