When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, “Mummy, you are getting fat!”
I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.”
“I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?”
A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some
talcum powder!”
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious.
“Where the hell have you been!”?
He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this lovely lady and I slept with her.”
“Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
“Damn liar, you were out bowling again!”
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, “Yahoo!” and rode off. “What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service station attendant.
“Nothing,” shrugged the woman, ” I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”
“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians ride bareback……..”
The Wisconsin State Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears this summer.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
People should be able to recognize the presence of bears in an area by their droppings:
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berry residue and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER.!!!
B… WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can’t do anything right, but you can’t live without her.
C… EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.
D… SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!
E… INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running.!!!
F… SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.
G… MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.
H… CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!
I… E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.
J… VIRUS Woman: Also known as “WIFE”; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don’t try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk.
When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.
So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.
Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move.
So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. “Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?”
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