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Loving Couples

Jun 6, 2021

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One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast.

Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, “could you pass the honey honey?” to whom his wife, hands over the honey.

Then, the husband from Kansas says ” Could you pass the sugar sugar?” and she passes him the sugar.

The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says “Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?”

The Ladies Room

Jun 6, 2021

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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no” he replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman – clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him” she says “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”

You sound exactly like her

Jun 6, 2021

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A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife.

You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

Child Custody

Jun 6, 2021

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A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn’t decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, “Would you like to live with your mother?”

“No.” said the boy.

“Why not?” said the judge.

“Because she beats me.”

The judge says “Okay, then you’ll go live with your father.”

“Oh No,” cried the boy, “He beats me too.”

Dumbfounded, the judge asks “Okay who do you want to live with?”

“I want to live with the Florida Marlins.”

“Why?” asks the judge.

“They never beat anybody.”

2 Guys on a Beach

Jun 6, 2021

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There were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Vito and the other was Vladimir.

Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.
Vladimir: “Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?”
Vito: “Well, I’ll tell ya! But it’s a secret.. just between you and me. I don’t want my system to become too public.”
Vladimir: “OK. It’s a deal.”
Vito: “You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When women see it, they come running from miles.”
Vladimir: “That’s it? I can do that.”

The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed that women… and men began to notice him. “It’s working, he thought.” But soon he began to realise that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him. He rushed over to Vito and asked “Vito, what’s the problem? Why isn’t it working?”

Vito: “Because you’re supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!!”

Alligators in Pool

Jun 6, 2021

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Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests…I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could…the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain…which do you want, my daughter or the million dollars?”

The guy says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!