Blind Parachuting

Jun 5, 2021

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A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were alldone for him:

“I am placed in the door and told when to jump”

“My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

He quickly answered “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack”.

Cats and Dogs

Jun 5, 2021

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What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They’re totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They’re moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They’re tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?
1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They’re tiny men in little fur coats.

The Educated Parrot

Jun 5, 2021

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This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it’s right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.

“Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German,” replies the shop keeper.

“And what happens if I pull both the strings?” our curious shopper inquires.

“I fall off my perch you fool!!” screeches the parrot.

What Mommy Calls Me

Jun 5, 2021

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, “Well it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.” The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it. Its an asshole!

Ant Adventure

Jun 5, 2021

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Two ants met in a woman’s belly button and decided to explore the rest of her body. Agreeing to meet back in the same place in a week, one ant headed north while the other went south.

Seven days later, they returned to the belly button.

“I had a great time,” reported the ant who ventured north. “There were these two big hills, and every day I went skiing, and at night I slept in this nice warm valley.”

“I had a hell of a time,” sighed the other ant. “First I had to walk through this thick jungle, then I fell down this huge hole, and by the time I climbed out I was so tired that I fell asleep in this smelly cave. But that wasn’t the worst of it! Every night, this giant worm came in and threw up in my face!”