Cat Calls

Jun 5, 2021

0 89

A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. “Is this the vet?” asked an elderly lady.

“Yes, it is,” replied the vet, “Is this an emergency?”

“Well, sort of,” said the elderly lady, “There’s a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?”

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, “Open the window and tell them they’re wanted on the phone.”

“Really?” said the elderly lady, “Will that stop them?”

“Well, it should,” said the vet, “It stopped ME!”

An Insult

Jun 5, 2021

0 98

I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.

Lost In Seattle

Jun 5, 2021

0 271

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said ‘WHERE AM I?’ in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said ‘YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.’

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the ‘YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER’ sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded ‘I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.’

Naming Tribe Children

Jun 5, 2021

1 1972

The privilege of naming all the children of the tribe always fell to the chief. One day a young boy from the tribe ask the chief how he choose the names for all the children.

“Well, my son,” the chief replied, “when I step out of my hut, I name each child after the first thing that I see. For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my hut and I see a pale moon rising, I say, You shall be called, Pale Moon Rising. And when a child is born and I step out of my hut and I see a hawk flying over, I say, You shall be called, Hawk Flying Over.”

While the young tribe boy listen carefully, the chief said, “So, why do you want to know, Big Dog Pooping?”

Posh Department Store

Jun 5, 2021

0 340

A couple went to Chicago for a visit, the wife was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from their hotel.

The husband obligingly hailed a cab. “The lady wants to go to ‘the posh department store'” he told the driver. The cabby looked over his shoulder at them. “And the gentleman?” he asked, “Does he want to go to the bank?”

Wrong Cab

Jun 5, 2021

0 123

A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.