On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. “What are you doing?” she asked. “I’m praying for guidance,” answered the young man. “I’ll take care of that,” she replied. “You pray for endurance.”
1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of these wet clothes.
3. Nice legs…what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package
5. You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
8. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
9. I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
12. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
13. I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.
14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
16. Are those real?
17. You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.
18. You can feel the magic between us…No, lower!
19. I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
20. Girl, if you were a porch I’d take out all the nails and screw ya.
21. If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
22. (Look down at your crotch) It’s not just going to suck itself.
23. You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.
24. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
26. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
27. My name is (name)…remember that, you’ll be screaming it later.
28. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
29. Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
30. My friend wants to know if YOU think I’M cute.
31. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
32. My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
33. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
34. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
35. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? What you don’t like pizza?
36. I may not be Dairy Queen but I’ll treat you right.
37. Baby, I’m an American Express lover…you shouldn’t go home without me.
38. Do you sleep on your stomach at night? Can I???
39. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
40. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
41. Let me check the tag on your shirt, I want to see if it says “Made in Heaven”
This woman and her husband have this really bad fight. He goes off to work the next day without talking to her but she doesn’t care.
She is busy doing her thing around the house. All of the sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses…the expensive ones…from her husband.
She says to the delivery guy with disgust, “Oh SHIT!” The delivery guy says, “What’s a matter lady? You don’t like roses?” She replies, “Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means???” He says, “No, Lady, what does this mean?”
She answers, “It means for the next two weeks I’ll be laying on my back with my legs in the air.”
He replies, “Geez, Lady, don’t you have a vase???”
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, “Do you know what it is?”
“No, I don’t,” said the little boy.
“Okay, I’ll give you a clue. It’s the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.”
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, “Spit it out! It’s a piece of Ass.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean, $200?”
This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this accent say, “You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.”
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, “I have some special sandals I think you’d be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.” Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?”
The Pakistani man replied, “Just try them on.” Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn’t seen in many years — raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy’s pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, “YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!”.
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