Three babies are in their mother’s womb. One of them says, “I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here.”
The next one says, “I want to be an olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here.”
Then the last baby says,” I’m going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I’m gonna chop that damned thing in half!”
“Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore. “Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. “Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett,” the medic said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on.”
The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”
News just in of Microsoft’s latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive 98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.
Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive 98 suite consists of three products: Condom 98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive 98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive 98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive 98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.
OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.
At installation, the Condom 98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.” “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.
“Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” continued, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
“Mommy,” said the little boy, “what are all those ladies doing?”
“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off of work,” she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers. They have sex with men for money.”
The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true, mommy?” His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?”
“They mostly become cab drivers,” she replied.
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential that we complete this declaration of independence.
Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.
Mr. Jefferson: That’s all right, Ben. We’ll go on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?
Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I’ve been having Notes replication problems.
Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy.
Mr. Sherman: Thanks. Saaaaay, nice font.
Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week.
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out.
Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There’s already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt. george III. sucks last night.
Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that problem for me.
Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text?
Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I’ve spilled candle wax on my keyboard again.
Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn’t happen if you’d buy an active-matrix screen.
Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!
Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it’s “unalienable rights”? My spell checker recommends “unassailable”.
Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?
Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn’t compatible.
Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the floppy drive buzzes? OK, I’ll hold…..
Mr. Livingston: The “In Congress” part here at the top; have you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in 72 point Helvetica?
Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can’t save the file.
Mr. Franklin: That’s all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my quill pen….
Prev
