Home Hot Marriage Jokes

A Change of Vows

Jun 5, 2021

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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “I do.”

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”

Leave Me Alone

Jun 5, 2021

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Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So’s the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married’!”

Newspaper Ads

Jun 5, 2021

1 325

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”.

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

Fur Coat

Jun 5, 2021

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A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.

“HA,” he snorted, “The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!”

On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward. “There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat.”

“That’s not your chest!” he roars back. “Damn right it’s my chest,” she argued.

“Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest.

AND IF YOU DON’T BUY ME A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!”

Marriage Woes

Jun 5, 2021

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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

How Many Times

Jun 5, 2021

1 263

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.”

The man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow.”