Doctor: “I see you’re over a month late for your appointment. Don’t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse?”
Patient: “I was just following your orders, Doc.”
Doctor: “Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.”
Patient: “You told me to avoid people who irritate me.”
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.
Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, “I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed.”
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.
Furious, he called the artist in. “What the hell is this?” screamed the billionaire.
“Why, that’s exactly what you asked for,” said the artist smugly.
“No! I didn’t ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer’s last thoughts!”
“And there you have it,” said the artist. “I call it, ‘Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians.'”
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Well, no. I guess I haven’t. Not with a carnation anyway.”
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, “Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.”
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakens one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you.
You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”
The man looks a little relieved and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure other than to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Oh no! I want a second opinion!”
The doctor replies, “Well it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way.”
“Then there’s no need to operate? Oh, thank God!” the man replies.
“Yes!” says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!”
A man walks into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approaches the desk, the receptionist asks, “Sir, may we help you?”
“There’s something wrong with my penis,” he informs her.
The receptionist indignantly responds, “Sir, You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say something like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he says.
“Because” replies the receptionist. “You’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there’s something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”
The man walks out, waits several minutes, and re-enters. The receptionist smiles smugly and asks,
“Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he states.
The receptionist nods approvingly.
“And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”
“It burns when I piss out of it” the man replied.
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