A doctor was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
He placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” The patient read the 20/20 line perfectly.
“Now your left.” Again, a flawless read.
“Now both,” The doctor requested. There was silence. The patient couldn’t even read the large E on the top line.
The doctor turned and discovered that he had done exactly covered both eyes.
An elderly and slightly deaf female patient went to see a doctor.
The doctor placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.
“Big breaths,” The doctor instructed.
“Yes, they used to be big,” remorsefully replied the patient.
After moving to a new apartment, Sam invited his friends over for a dinner. After the late dinner, Sam proudly showing off his new apartment to his friends.
While he led the way passing the living room, one of his friends asked. “What is the big brass gong and hammer for”. Sam replied, “That is my new talking clock”. His friend asked how it works. Sam said, “Watch”, then he proceed to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall… “KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It’s already 11pm.”
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'”
The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that’s him,” he replied. The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because”, the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
A young Indian boy came back to the reservation for a family visit after his first year at college. When his dad asked him about his first year at school, he said: I’m having trouble with people making fun of me, especially my Indian name. How did you come to give your children such odd names”?
His father said: “When your brother was born, I looked out the teepee and I saw an eagle flying so I named him Little Eagle and when your sister was born, I looked out the teepee and saw a deer grazing, so I named her spotted fawn. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking”?
Prev
