Sunday, March 24, 2019
Tags Posts tagged with "Talk"

Talk

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Keeping Love Making Notes Jokes Times

TO MY GIRLFRIEND
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because :
You missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , “would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

0 67
Airport Encounters Jokes Times

I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, “Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor.”

“Yes?”

“I’m sitting right over there,” pointing to my seat at the bar, “and I’m waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, ‘Hi, Ray,’?”

“Sure.”

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

“Hi, Ray,” he said.

I replied, “Get lost Gates, I’m in a meeting.”

0 127
Bus Accident Jokes Times

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, “What were the people doing on the bus?” The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, “Yeah, but what else were they doing?”. The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, “Oh! They were drinking, huh??!” The chief continues, “Okay, were they doing anything else?” The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, “If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?” The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

1 92
Dogs vs. Men Jokes Times

1. How dogs and men are the same

Both take up too much space on the bed
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
Both are threatened by their own kind
Both mark their territory
Both are bad at asking you questions
Neither tells you what is bothering them
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches
Neither does any dishes
Both fart shamelessly
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
Both like dominance games
Both are suspicious of the postman
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone
Neither understands what you see in cats

2. How dogs are better than men

Dogs do not have a problem expressing affection in public
Dogs miss you when you are gone
Dogs feel guilt when they have done something wrong
Dogs do not criticise your friends
Dogs admit when they are jealous
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they NEVER laugh at
the way you throw)
Dogs do not feel threatened by your intelligence
You can train a dog
Dogs are easy to buy for
You are never suspicious of your dogs dreams
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. OK, the WORST
disease is rabies, but there is a vaccine for it, and you get to kill
the one that gives it to you
Dogs understand what NO means
Dogs understand when some of their friends can not come inside
Middle-aged dogs do not feel the need to abandon you for a younger
owner
Dogs admit it when they are lost
Dogs are colour blind
Dogs are not threatened if you earn more than they do
Dogs mean it when they kiss you

0 352
Why Parents Have Gray Hair Jokes Times

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling putout at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked,”Is your Daddy home?”

“Yes” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?” the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes” came the answer.

“May I talk with her?”

Again, the small voice whispered, “No”

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone,the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.

“Yes” whispered the child, “a policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked,”May I speak with the policeman?”

“No he’s busy” said the little voice.

“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman.” came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard the sound of a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?!” asked the boss, now getting alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked,”What are they searching for?!”

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “Me!”

0 71
Benefits of Being a Woman Jokes Times

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we crash our computers.

Our boy friend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous – guys look like complete idiots in ours.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Taxis stop for us.

Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies (you get the picture).

We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay.

We can hug our friends without wondering if WE are gay.

We know The Truth about whether size matters.

New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

If we have sex with someone and don’t call them the next day, we’re not the devil.

If we’re not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.

Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep (Ouch)

It’s possible to live our whole lives without taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.

We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.

If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it’s because we’re being emotionally neglected.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.

If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

If we’re dumb, some people will still find it cute.

We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to socially fit in.

We have the ability to dress ourselves – and coordinate.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. (Weeeeeelllll…..that depends!)

Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.

There are times when chocolate really can solve your problems.

Gay waiters don’t make us uncomfortable.

We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.

We’ll never discover we’ve been dumped by a Wonderbra.

If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.

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