Monday, October 15, 2018
Tags Posts tagged with "Car"

Car

Why... YOU Jokes Times

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn’t move for half an hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.

The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. Today is the worst of day my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.”

“When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.”

“I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison…”

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Penguins in the Back Seat Jokes Times

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back
seat?”

The man in the car says, “I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven’t a clue.”

The clerk ponders a bit then says, “You should take them to the zoo.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

“Hey, they’re still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!”

“Oh, I did,” says the driver, “and we had a swell time. Today I’m taking them to the beach.”

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Wonder Pig Jokes Times

A man was out for a walk one day and on his travels he wandered through a farm. Strangely, he saw a pig with a wooden leg! This intrigued him so much he found the farmer and quizzed him about it.

“This be no ordinary pig” said the farmer. “For example, only two days ago there was a fire in the chicken shed when I was away from the farm. The pig noticed this and immediately went and let all the chickens out into the yard. He then phoned for the fire brigade and came straight back to hold the fire until they arrived!”

“And a few weeks ago, I was driving my tractor down a steep hill, when I lost control and the vehicle overturned – knocking me unconscious! The pig saw this, phoned for the ambulance and then rushed to the tractor and pulled me clear of the cab just before it set on fire.”

The farmer was just about to launch into another tale when the man said “Yes yes, but what about the wooden leg?” “Well” said the farmer “when you’ve got an pig as good as that, you don’t eat it all at once!”

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First Date Jokes Times

It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in.

“Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?,” he says. “That’s cool” says Bobby.

Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie’s father responds “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie’s Dad to repeat it.

“Yeah,” says Carries father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

“DAMMIT DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

The Different Between a Man and a Woman at a Drive-thru ATM Jokes Times

Man going to ATM

  1. Pull up to ATM
  2. Insert card
  3. Enter PIN number
  4. Take cash, card, and receipt
  5. Walk away

Woman going to ATM

  1. Pull up to ATM
  2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
  3. Shut off engine
  4. Put keys in purse
  5. Get out of car because she is to far from machine
  6. Hunt for card in purse
  7. Insert card
  8. Locate grocery receipt in purse with PIN number
  9. Enter PIN
  10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
  11. Hit “cancel”
  12. Reenter Correct PIN number
  13. Check balance
  14. Look for envelope
  15. Go through purse for ink pen
  16. Make out deposit slip
  17. Study instructions again
  18. Endorse check
  19. Make deposit
  20. Make cash withdrawal
  21. Get back into car
  22. Check makeup in mirror
  23. Look for keys in purse
  24. Start car
  25. Check makeup again
  26. Start pulling away from ATM
  27. Stop
  28. Back up to machine
  29. Get out of car
  30. Retrieve card and receipt
  31. Get back into car
  32. Put card in wallet
  33. Put receipt in checkbook
  34. Enter deposit and withdrawal into checkbook
  35. Clear space in purse for wallet and checkbook
  36. Check makeup
  37. Put car in reverse
  38. Put car in drive
  39. Drive away from machine
  40. Drive 3 miles down the road
  41. Release the parking brake

The Different Between a Man and a Woman at a Drive-thru ATM Jokes Times

Do Not Even Dream About It Jokes Times

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off.

“Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:

I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. That’s 76 miles, of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper-to-bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That is 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and the number is increasing.

That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of flipping her off.

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