A snobbish tourist was visiting a small Australian village when he noticed a local man wearing a highly ornate necklace that featured 10 alligator teeth.
He approached the man and in a condescending manner said, “Goodness, what a fancy necklace! I guess you people must value alligator teeth the same way my people value pearls.”
The man replied, “Well,anyone can open up an oyster.”
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee. “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?
The girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrr, gerrrrr, Kiiiing.
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: January 13, 2005
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakens one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you.
You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”
The man looks a little relieved and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure other than to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Oh no! I want a second opinion!”
The doctor replies, “Well it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way.”
“Then there’s no need to operate? Oh, thank God!” the man replies.
“Yes!” says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!”
There was a Japanese man who went to New York for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a taxi and told the driver to drive to the airport.
During the journey, a Honda Civic drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the Japanese man told the taxi driver. “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”
After a while, a Toyota Camry sped past the taxi. Again the Japanese man told the taxi driver. “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!”
And then a Mitsubishi Lancer sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese man told the taxi driver. “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”
Finally the taxi reach the airport. The fare shown on the meter was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, “Wah… so expensive!”. Thereupon, the taxi driver said. “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!”
An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to top up a camel with water.
“That way,” he said, “You get an extra day out of them between drinks.
“As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed them over the camel’s balls. The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days’ extra water.
“Doesn’t that hurt?” asked a tourist. “Nah,” replied the bloke. “Only if you get your fingers caught!”
