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Farming

Chicken Farm

Jun 6, 2021

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A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns Out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The Neighbor came for a visit one day and said, “Chicken farming isn’t easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I’ll give you 100 chickens.”

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, “Not too good. All 100 chickens died.”

The neighbor said, “Oh,I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. I’ll give you 100 more.”

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The newfarmer says, “You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.”

Astounded, the neighbor asked, “what went wrong? What did you do to them?”

Well, says the new farmer, “I’m not sure whether I’m planting them too deep or not far apart enough.”

Planting Potatoes

Jun 6, 2021

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A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. However, she’s not very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to his husband in jail: “Dear sweetheart, I want to plant potatoes. When is the best time to do it?”

The farmer writes back: “Honey, do not go near that field. That’s where all my guns are buried.” But because he is in jail, all of the letters are censored. So when the jail guards and the police read this, they all send in a team to dig up the entire potato field looking for the guns.

After two full days of digging, they did not find any single weapon. The farmers then writes to his wife: “honey, now is the time, you can plant the potatoes”

Drunken Dave

Jun 6, 2021

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Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. ‘Who the hell are you?’, demanded Dave, ‘and what are you doing in my bedroom ?’

The mysterious man answered, ‘This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter.’

Dave was stunned. ‘You mean I’m dead !!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for – and I haven’t said goodbye to my family. . .. You’ve gotto send me back straight away.’

St Peter replied, ‘Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.’

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

‘This ain’t so bad’, he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, ‘So you’re the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?’

‘It’s not so bad’, replies Dave, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode.’

‘You’re ovulating’, explained the rooster. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.’

‘Never’, replies Dave.

‘Well just relax and let it happen’.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popsout from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing thatever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting…

‘Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You’ve crapped the bed!..

Jun 6, 2021

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Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America.

Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President’s staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened.

They hurried over to surround the man’s tractor. “Sir,” the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?”

“Yep. Sure did.” The man muttered unconcernedly.

“Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?”

“Yep.” Answered the mane.

“Were there any survivors?” the agent gasped.

“Nope. They all kilt straight out.” The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. “I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.”

“The President of the United States is dead?” The agent gulped in disbelief.

“Well,” the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. “He kept a-saying he wasn’t… but you know what a liar he is.”

Watermelons Farm

Jun 6, 2021

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There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, “Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer’s sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, “Now there are two!”

3 Legged Chicken

Jun 6, 2021

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A man was driving down a country road one day at 45 kilometre per hour when suddenly he noticed a 3-legged chicken running at the same speed beside his truck.

Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn’t cause an accident with the chicken.

The man sped up to 55 kilometre per hour, but low and behold, so did the 3-legged chicken.

The man then sped up to 65 kilometre per hour only to again be equalled in speed by the 3-legged chicken.

As the man watched in amazement, the chicken suddenly made a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward a small farm.

The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the chicken to the small farm, parking out front. Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the midst of many 3-legged chickens.

After greeting the farmer, the man asked him why he was raising 3-legged chickens. “Well we figure,” said the farmer, “that with an average family of 3 people, only 2 can have a chicken leg with an average chicken.

But with a three legged chicken, each member of the family can enjoy a chicken leg of their own.” “That’s pretty wise,” said the man, who then asked “Well how do your 3-legged chickens taste?”

“I don’t know,” said the farmer. “We’ve never been able to catch one.”