Who’s Phone???

Jun 5, 2021

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A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a round of golf at the country club and they were changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it.

“Hi honey,” said the woman on the other end. “Hi honey,” replied the man.

“I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat I found today. It’s beautiful fox fur and I just love the way it looks on me. It’s on sale too, a real bargain. It’s down to $2,000 from $4,000. Can I get it?” the woman asked. The man thought about it for a sec and said, “You’re sure it’s a good deal?” “Oh yes,” the woman replied. “Okay then, I guess you can get it,” replied the man.

The woman continued, “Oh, and you know how we’ve been thinking about rid of the Lexus and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the guy gave me a real deal. He said he’d lower the price from $200,000 to $180,000 just for me. Can I get it?” The man thought a little harder and said, “If you’re sure it’s a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar.”

The woman continued again, “Oh, one last thing honey. Remember that house we saw last month that we really liked, but decided we’d wait and think about? Well, it’s on the market again, so I checked the price. It’s down to $980,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in the checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get it?”

The man got a frown on his face and said, “See if you can get down to $950,000. If they’ll go down to that, go ahead and get it.” The woman was extremely excited. “Okay honey, thank you so much! I’ll see you when I get home! Bye!”

“Bye,” said the man. He hung up the phone and looked at the other men in the locker room and said, “Does anyone know whose phone this is?”

Who Do You Think?

Jun 5, 2021

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During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, “I’m paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does.”

“I guarantee it, madam,” replied the auctioneer. “Who do you think was bidding against you?”

Is Windows a Virus?

Jun 5, 2021

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No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly – okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so – okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk – okay, Windows does that too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. – Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. – Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It’s a bug.

The Perfect Husband

Jun 5, 2021

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There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.

Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

“Hello?”

“Honey, It’s me. Are you at the club?”

“Yes.”

“Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat… It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”

“What’s the price?”

“Only $1,500.00”

“Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much…”

“Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”

“What price did he quote you?”

“Only $60,000…”

“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

“Great! Before we hang up, something else…”

“What?”

“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property…”

“How much are they asking?”

“Only $450,000… a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”

“Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”

“OK, sweetie… Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”

“Bye… I do too…”

The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: “Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

Printer Cleaning

Jun 5, 2021

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When my printer’s type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

Do What He Says

Jun 5, 2021

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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.

Our lives depend on it!”

“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!”