Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had a fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah,” said Eddie. “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Harvey replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
“She said, “Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!”
A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks.
He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom. The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them.
He asks the first duck, “What’s your name?”
“Huey,” replies the duck.
“So, how’s your day been?”
“Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Huey.
“I’ve been in and out of puddles all day.”
The bartender asks the second duck, “What’s your name?”
“Duey,” replies the duck.
“So, how’s your day been?”
“Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Duey.
“I’ve been in and out of puddles all day.”
The witty bartender says to the third duck, “So I guess your name is Louie?”
The duck replies, “No, I’m Puddles.”
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash.
The barman says, “Geez that’s a weird dog, he’s stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn’t have a tail. I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks. Another trip to the yard and when it’s all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place.
The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”
The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”
A couple of drinkin’ buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at SFO; it’s fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”
“Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel – that’ll kinda give you a buzz.”
So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin’ buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good, in fact, he feels great! NO hangover!
The phone rings, it’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?” He says, “I feel great!!” and his buddy says, “I feel great too!! You don’t have a hangover?” and he says, “No – that jet fuel is great stuff! No hangover! We ought to do this more often!” “Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing…”
“What’s that?”
“Did you fart yet?”
“What??”
“Did you FART yet??”
“No…”
“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in another country!!”
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, “The piano player”. The man walks over to the piano player and says “Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?”
The pianist replies, “No, but if you hum it I’ll play it.”
A pirate was talking to a man in a bar. The man noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this pirate had a pag leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye.
The man just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, “how did you loose your leg?” The pirate responded, “I lost my leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!”
The man was still curious so he asked, “What about your hand. Did you lose it at the same time?” The pirate answered, “No. I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys.”
Finally the man asked, “I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?” The pirate answered, “I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in my eye.” The man asked, “How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?” The pirate replied, “It was the day after I got my hook fixed!”
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