My left nipple is bigger than my right one. I call my good nipple, “the right nipple”.
Nipples
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What did the Fish Say
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
“Dam”.
Execution
Three men are about to be executed for crimes. Two guards bring the first man forward, and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready… Aim…” Suddenly the first man yells, “Earthquake!” Everyone is startled and lie flat on the floor. During this time, the first man that was suppose to be executed, free himself and ran away.
After the commotion, the executioner then realise that the man had escaped and they are unable to find him. So he proceed to execution. The guards bring in the second man. The executioner asks if he has any last request, and he replies no. The executioner then shouts “Ready… Aim…” Suddenly, the second man screams, “Tornado!” Yet again, everyone is startled and lie flat onto the ground and protect themselves. During this time, the second man also free himself and ran away.
Soon after the commotion, the executioner realise again that the second man had escaped and they are unable to find him. So he proceed with the execution again. The guards then bring in the third man. The executioner asks if he has any last request, and he replies no. The executioner then shouts “Ready… Aim…” Suddenly, the third man shouts, “FIRE!”
New Stewardess
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the steward the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.
“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?” The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
I Wanna Be Weighed
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
“What would you like to do next?” he asked.
“I wanna be weighed,” she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.
“One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
“I wanna be weighed,” she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”
“Wousy,” said the girl.
Deathbed Request
A man lying on his deathbed requested that his wife gather up all his money and place it in the attic. He would pick it up on his way out of this life.
Being the faithful, loving wife she had been for over 50 years, she did as she was told. Soon, the man died.
Weeks later, she remembered his request and went to the attic to see if he had followed through.
There, in the same place where she had left it, was the money. “I knew it,” she exclaimed, “I should have put it in the basement.”
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