An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.
‘That’s right,’ said the old man. ‘Ninety-nine years old, and I haven’t an enemy in the world. They’re all dead.
‘Well, sir,’ said the interviewer, ‘I hope very much to have the honor of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday.’
The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, ‘I can’t see why you shouldn’t. You look fit and healthy to me!’
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
However, one o’clock came and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.
“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
“Now take off my boots.” He did so slowly.
“Now take off my socks.” He did.
“Now take off my skirt.” He did.
“Now take off my bra.” Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
“Now,” she said, “take off my panties.” He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, “Don’t you ever wear my clothes to town again!”
A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
“Ladies and gentlemen, I have a bad news and a good news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.”
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.
Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, “I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed.”
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.
Furious, he called the artist in. “What the hell is this?” screamed the billionaire.
“Why, that’s exactly what you asked for,” said the artist smugly.
“No! I didn’t ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer’s last thoughts!”
“And there you have it,” said the artist. “I call it, ‘Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians.'”
Before – You take my breath away
After – I feel like I’m suffocating
Before – Twice a night
After – Twice a month
Before – She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After – She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac
Before – Lucy and Ricky
After – Fred and Ethyl
Before – Saturday Night Fever
After – Monday Night Football
Before – Don’t stop
After – Don’t start
Before – Is that all your having?
After – Maybe you should have just a salad, honey
Before – Its like I’m living In a dream
After – Its like he lives In a dorm
Before – $60/doz.
After – $1.50/stem
Before – Turbo charged
After – Jump start
Before – We agree on everything
After – Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?
Before – Victoria Secret
After – Fruit of the Loom
Before – Charming and Noble
After – Chernobyl
Before – Feathers and handcuffs
After – Ball and chain
Before – Idol
After – Idle
Before – I love a woman with curves
After – I never said you were fat
Before – He’s completely lost without me
After – Why won’t he ever ask for directions?
Before – Time stood still
After – This relationship Is going nowhere
Before – Croissant and cappuccino
After – Bagel and instant
Before – You look so seductive In black
After – Your clothes are so depressing
Before – Oysters
After – Fishsticks
Before – I can hardly believe we found each other
After – I can’t believe I ended up with someone like you
Before – Passion
After – Ration
Before – Once upon a time
After – The end
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!”
Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”
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