The Mechanic

Jun 6, 2021

0 946

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc can I ask you a question?”

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix’em, put ’em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, whispering to the mechanic….. “Try doing it with the engine running!”

The Facelift

Jun 6, 2021

0 245

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, “I’ll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we’ll just tighten the screw a little,… and the wrinkles will disappear!”

The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, “GO FOR IT!” The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy.

A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said, “Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?

The surgeon looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw,… pretty soon you’ll have a goatee!”

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

Jun 6, 2021

0 623

Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop!
“Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
Hand me that…uh…that uh…thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again….
“Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy’s got two of ’em.”
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing off my concentration.
What’s this doing here?
I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here….
That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor’s clean, right?
What do you mean, he wasn’t in for a sex change……!!!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.
Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, right?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don’t worry. I think this is sharp enough.
She’s gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Three Nurses

Jun 6, 2021

0 631

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, “I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, “I worked in an operating room. It’s a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, “I was a case manager for an HMO.”
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse’s file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven … for five days!”

Viagra

Jun 6, 2021

0 362

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a genericname. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is call edamoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

Sam and John

Jun 6, 2021

0 82

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off.

Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon.

The surgeon said, “You’re in luck! I’m an expert at reattaching limbs!

Come back in four hours.” So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, “I got done faster than I expected to.

John is down at the local pub.” Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off.

Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Legs are a little tougher – come back in six hours.”

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s down at the soccer field.”

Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon.

The surgeon said, “Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours.” So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, “I’m sorry, John died.” Sam said, “I understand – heads are tough.”

The surgeon said, “Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!”