Monday, January 27, 2020
Tags Posts tagged with "Bar"

Bar

The Dentist Jokes TImes

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”

The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?”

“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”

One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?”
“Didn’t feel a thing!”

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Recent Medical Research Results Jokes Times

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

The Points System Jokes Times

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES :

You make the bed………………………………………+1.
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows….0.
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets………………-1.

You leave the toilet seat up …………………………..-5.
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty………….0.
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1.
Then the Kleenex runs out you use the downstairs bathroom….-2.

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings….+5.
At midnight…………………………………………..+8.
In the snow………………………………………….+12.
But return with beer…………………………………..-5.
An hour later………………………………………..-15.

You check out a suspicious noise at night………………..0.
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing…………0.
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something……….+5.
You pummel it with a six iron………………………….+10.
It’s her cat /dog…………………………………….-10.

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:

You stay by her side the entire party…………………….0.
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat
with a college drinking buddy………………………..-2.
Named Tiffany………………………………………-4.
Tiffany is a dancer ………………………………..-6.
Tiffany has implants………………………………..-8.

HER BIRTHDAY:

You take her out to dinner………………………………0.
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar………+1.
Okay, it is a sports bar……………………………….-2.
And it’s all-you-can-eat night …………………………-3.
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team……………..-10.

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:

Go out with a pal……………………………………..-5.
The pal is happily married……………………………..-4.
Or frighteningly single………………………………..-7.
And he drives a Mustang……………………………….-10.
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)……………-15.

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a movie………………………………..+2.
You take her to a movie she likes ………………………+4.
You take her to a movie you hate………………………..+6.
You take her to a movie you like………………………..-2.
It’s called Death Cop 3………………………………..-3.
Which features cyborgs that eat humans ………………….-9.
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…….-15.

PHYSIQUE:

You develop a noticeable potbelly………………………-15.
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it…..+10.
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts……………………………..-30.
You say “It doesn’t matter, you have one too”…………..-800.

THE BIG QUESTION:

She asks, “Do I look fat?”.

You hesitate in responding………………………..-10.
You reply, “Where?”………………………………-35.
Any other response……………………………….-20.

COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem :

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression…..0.
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……….+5.
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100.
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep…………..-200.

Bitter Men Say Jokes Times

Bitter men say the cutest things.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only
seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was nearly impossible.

A man complaining to a friend: “I had it all – money, a beautiful
house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman … then … pow! …
it was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend. “Awww, my wife
found out.”

Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
bald and still think they are beautiful.

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12 Year Old Bottle of Scotch Jokes Times

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.

The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. “This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.”

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spit sit out on the bar. “This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on a good,12-year-old scotch.The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, “Now that’s more like it.”

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, “What do you think of this?” The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling “THIS TASTES LIKE PISS.”

To which the old drunk replies, “That’s right, now guess how old I am.”

I have Changed Jokes Times

“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man.

“Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend.

“I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

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